The Bay: About to Get Bootylicious

Following the sale of HBC two weeks ago to the fine folks at Lord and Taylor, rumours have been swirling that a mystery woman will be taking the reins: a mysterious, glamorous, female, Canadian.

But, as the Toronto Star asks, "Who is she?"

Either way the retail guru will have her hands full cleaning up what is easily one of the crappiest stores currently serving Canada. I think everyone can agree that in a marketplace with specialty shops like Gap, H&M, and Aritzia, The Bay has lots its way. It's gotten to the point where I can't even remember when the chain WAS glamorous; but I'm assured that by my parents (both retirees) that it was at some point (they just can't remember when either).

Sloppy displays, horrendus designs for Olympic Wear, snooty staff, limited sizes, out of date marketing: all issues that will have to be addressed if the chain is to revamp its image.

The good news is that Lord and Taylor is willing to pump a half-billion dollars into revitalizing the brand. Let's see if the money can work wonders.

And as for the mystery new CEO? My money's on Belinda Stronach...

Things Not Happening in Ottawa This Weekend: Chicago Edition

Welcome to Boystown! No, Seriously, that's the name of the Village here...

Friday Night

Roscoe’s - Wet Boxer Shorts Contest Contest held at midnight with major cash prizes to be one.

Jackhammer - Flesh Hungry Dog Show With performances by The Pussy Pirates, 8Inch Betsy and Hot Lips Messiah.

Hydrate Bar - Lube Wrestling Open to both professional dancers and audience members. Winners get major cash prizes and tickets to “A Salute to the American Musical Songbook” at Storefront Theater.

Saturday Night

Touche - Bear Night Underwear party hosted by the Great Lakes Bears.

Circuit Night Club - Christmas in August Featuring a visit by Santa Clause and DJs from Miami!

Sunday Night
Chicago Eagle - Beer Bust and Movie Night Featuring "Cabaret for a Cure" and "Maryoke" in Mary's Attic.

It's Official! Ottawa ranked Canada's "Least Sexy City"

After years of grumbling by yours truly, the good folks at FastLife Canada, who complied two years of research through the Internet and speed-dating results, have confirmed that Ottawa is indeed Canada's least sexy city.

According to the report, the least sexy neighbourhood in the entire country is Vanier - big surprise... imagine trying to make love while thoughts of home invasion or your parked car getting jacked run through your mind!

In his ever-vigilant protection of the city Mayor O'Brien, declaring the study "nonsense," cited the city's well-educated, discerning populace as the reason for the decidedly unsexy results.

The Mayor also distanced himself from the notion that a city of older, whiter, fatter, bald guys somehow lowered the desire for sexual contact in the capital.

Pornstars in Ottawa?!?!

Being proactive on my litnay of rants about how there's nothing to do in Ottawa, I've been working closely with a friend of mine who has opened a new bar (really classy place) on Elgin Street, and is open to doing gay events.

It always seems that clubs in Toronto and Montreal host porn stars, who put on a couple stage shows, do photos and autograph signings with the customers, and in general have some naughty fun. Well, if all goes according to plan, and things work out with travel sponsor, Ottawa might be playing host in late September to Chris Rockway and Reese Rideout from Randy Blue!







Here's the question to you my vigilant viewer. Would you attend? Would, say, $10 in cover be too much? Are Reese and Chris the right guys, or would someone else be better? What sort of show would you expect for your money? There's no stupid answers... just entertainment in the making!

Uhhh... What's the Name of this Club?

Uh oh. From the sounds of it "Sauna 63," the uninspired rebrand of Edge Sauna, has been doing just about as well as its predecessor - that is to say, not well at all.

Apparently while the decor is fabulous, and the space meticulously clean, the gay boys, and the bi-curious/straight men that love them, simply aren't showing up. Frankly (as I've stated in previous posts), I'm just not surprised.

The problem with Sauna 63 is a branding issue. The sauna just can't seem to figure out who it's intended demographic is. Twinks? Fat chance, they're too self conscious to show up unless it's Saturday night and they're overly drunk from Edge. Pigs? Nope, dirty, dirty men already go to Club Ottawa on Wellington St. People who are sick of Steamworks? Bingo, but they're not going to pay for admission if the word on the street is your venue has less attendance than a Eddie Murphy movie.



This is a time where Sauna 63 could act bold are really put itself out there in your face like Oasis in Montreal. Oasis has no shame in admitting that its a bathhouse, and actively encourages people to visit, with bold advertisements on its storefront.

Who'd want to visit some dirty, dingy hole in the ground where you need to knock three times on the door to be grants access? There's a reason why Montreal saunas are successful - it's because they are always full of guys, 24/7; and it's clean and accessible.

Sauna 63 should pull something big to capture the imagination of Ottawa fags. Advertise the hell out of it. Perhaps a free night, or a $2 locker rental on a Saturday evening. Either way it'll bring in more money than what they're currently getting, and keep yet another gay venue from shutting up shop.

Tan Lines for Gay Eyes

Question is - What is sexy, and what might be too much? ;)

Things Not Happening in Ottawa This Weekend: San Francisico Edition

A new segment here on Ottawa Boy Toy! Read about what's gay-happening in other major cities around the world. Maybe someone will "borrow" the better ideas for use here at home!


FRIDAY NIGHT

Boy Bar - Full Frontal Fridays in the Castro! Down Low GoGo Bros & Crazy Strong Cocktails, 28 and under only.

Lucky Pierre HomoElectricDisco - Strip Poker Night with Miss Trannyshack 2007 Coco Canal! Good music, Game Room, and even cuter boys!

SATURDAY NIGHT

The Transfer - Frisco Disco! DJ Richie Panic spins his eclectic-electro-punk-dancey best at this weekly hipster haven.

The Stud - Hot Mess! The sloppiest kids in town are colonizing the Stud for this new Saturday party, featuring drink specials for exhibitionists, live whipped-cream wrestling and Frat House DJ Kidd Sysko.

SUNDAY NIGHT

The Eagle Tavern - Sunday Beer Bust! Weekly $10 all-you-can-slug beer fest.

The Frathouse - College Night in the Castro! Come get a truckload of straight-acting twinks and the gayer gays who love them.

Things Ottawa Gays Like: Moving to the Suburbs

Something I'm noticing more and more as I grow up are the sheer numbers of Ottawa gay boys that decide to pack it in and call it quits in the downtown core after they land a 'good' job. Faster than you can blink an eye they've picked out the picket fence in some god-forsaken part of Barrhaven, or a new sub-development project in Kanata or Emburn.

Why anyone, straight or gay, would ever want to move to the burbs in the first place is beyond me. With gas inching closer and closer to $1.50/L, the housing bubble bursting in the US, owning an insanely overpriced piece of property way out in the middle of nowhere away from any amenities is surely not a good idea.

Then there's another side to the coin. I wonder how the gay community can legitimately ask for a gay village on Bank Street if gays and lesbians continue to move out of the downtown core. I'm certainly not calling for ghettoizing of the gay community, and of course I support people's individual freedom to live where they choose, but gay urban sprawl has really cost Ottawa the luxury of have a Church, Davie, or a St. Catherines Street where if you go for a walk at any given time you're sure to run into other gays and lesbians in abundance (not just the small handful you see on Bank Street). I know in Vancouver, for example, there are 20 story condo buildings where almost the entire residency is GLBT, because of their close proximity to gay clubs and services.

What we have here is the proverbial Chicken and the Egg story. People won't move (or stay) downtown unless there's better services and things to do; and there won't be better services or things to do unless people move (or stay) downtown.

For the rest of our suburban gay friends - enjoy your experience with Terri Hatcher and the rest of the Housewives.

R.I.P. Estelle Getty

In case you're the only gay male on earth who hasn't heard the news, favourite Golden Girl actress Estelle Getty passed away yesterday at the age of 85.

We will miss you, and your spunky, witty, outrageous one liners. Thankfully, in part to the magic of video tape, you will live on for future generations of young gay men to appreciate your crass humour.

Hot Tranny Mess: Lady Gaga

The hottest thing to happen to gay men at the dance club since the Edge Siren is Lady Gaga and her particular brand of hot tranny mess music, making us wonder if she's really just a drunken twink en vogue.

Think it's not possible? Who hasn't experienced her lyrics to "Just Dance" when they were 20:

I’ve had a little bit too much
All of the people start to rush.
Start to rush babe.
How does he twist a dance?
Can’t find my drink or man.
Where are my keys, I lost my phone.
What’s go-ing out on the floor?
I love this record baby, but I can’t see straight anymore.
Keep it cool what’s the name of this club?
I can’t remember but it’s alright, alright.

[Chorus:]
Just dance. Gunna be okay.
Da-doo-doo-doo
Just dance. Spin that record babe.
Da-doo-doo-doo
Just dance. Gunna be okay.
Duh-duh-duh-duh
Dance. Dance. Dance. Ju-just dance.

You said it brotha'... whoops, I mean, sista'... God help us all...

What The Hell Happened to Tori?

Remember when St. Laurent Centre scrapped their "Oooooh-ahhhh St. Laurent, shopping for LIFE!" jingle in favour of annoying reminders about sidewalk sales and Santa Clause visits from 'Tori' and the Style Squad: a sassy, thin, silluetted figure surrounded by fluffly flowers, shopping bags, and often see riding a Vespa.

It dawned on me after hearing their latest radio spot last week that Tori has been dumped! Now a nameless radio host is responsible for telling us customers can receive a free tote (oooh a TOTE!) if they're spotted shopping by the Style Squad on Saturdays. The faceless / nameless motley crew of mall thugs is now leaderless!

Did Tori bargain too hard when her contract was up? Did she demand residuals in lieu of free high heels for her work? Has she been shipped off to rehab for public intoxication after realizing that all her efforts to stylize the Vanier elite were fruitless?

Either way the effects are immediate. The St. Laurent Style Guide claims it's "high time for high wasted" pants returned. Tori, PLEASE reconsider whatever caused your untimely departure! Come back and save suburban moms from fashion hell!

Hopeless Ottawa Romantics Rejoice!

In November of last year I read the
sweetest story ever about 21 year old Patrick Moberg of New York City who saw the girl of his dreams in the subway, but missed his opportunity to talk to her before she got off the train. He went straight home and created a website complete with crude drawing, an assurance he's "not insane," and as many details as he could remember of the situation.

Believe it or not, in a city of 8.3 million people, a friend of 22 year old Australian Camile Hayton stumbled across the site within days and the two connected. You can decide for yourself how things turned out, but I'd like to believe in an ending as romantic as the story itself.

Well, now Ottawa hopeless romantics have a similar option available to them! While browsing through Craigslist I noticed the "Missed Connections" classified section - an amazing board where people post looking for people who struck their heart (or possibly other sexual organs). I couldn't stop reading - it's like a soap opera... exchanged glances on the bus; coffee drinkers wanting more than an espresso from their Barrista; passersby at Bluesfest or on Canada Day; sad tales of loves that can never happen for whatever reason - it's more interesting than most television!

Makes you wonder if any of them are about you! Check it out for yourself at: http://ottawa.en.craigslist.ca/

Missing Ottawa Demograph: Gay Guidos

Ottawa is home to a very diverse group of gay men, however certain sub-sects of stereotypical gays are missing from our city's rich tapestry (or, are so few in number they don't even register on the radar).

One of these groups in particular is the Guido, defined by our good friends at
www.urbandictionary.com as:

"A sad pathetic excuse for a male; not necessarily of Italian descent, but most likely; usually native to the New York/New Jersey Tri-State area. Highly recognizable by his attention to muscular development, hairless body, status symbols, and regional dialect not native to cultural background."

Gay Guidos can be found in abundance at nightclubs in many other urban centres, especially Montreal. For further information, please consult our handy guide below - it can be enlarged for better viewing by double clicking.

Peanut Gallery Suggestion

Something Ottawa hasn't, as far as I'm aware, hosted in at least a decade is a Foam Party! They're fun, they're popular, they get people into their swimsuits while trashed, and despite poular belief - will not ruin your sound equipment or hardwood floors if modern rental equipment is used. I know I'd be first in line to pay jacked-up cover to party in a Mr. Bubbles inspired setting!

Think about it... Think about it!!!

Must Have Freebee

When I was growing up by far the best media-event of the year was the HBO free preview. Thank god someone has come up with an equivalent for the adult entertainment lover! In honour of their 5th Anniversary Stock Bar will be featuring a totally, 100% FREE live streaming broadcast on August 8th. Everybody's favourites will be there - including hunk-a-licious David, and twink-a-licious Franky.

How will you celebrate? I suggest a pop and chips party with the girls: you can braid each other's hair while wearing fuzzy slippers and discussing the average annual before-taxes income for each dancer that hits the stage!

Enjoy the show!

Ottawa's "Gay Gym" - Debate Rages

Unlike most major metropolitan centres with a visible gay village, Ottawa is lacking the one component simultaneous with stereotypes about shallowness: a "Gay Gym" - or as it's also known "Gay Church."

Most gay men in the downtown core workout at either GoodLife on Bank and Queen Street, or at the GoodLife in the Rideau Centre - although TrueForm Fitness on Bank and Sommerset is a popular, albeit, minuscule venue.

Both GoodLife locations offer excellent workout equipment, experienced personal trainers, and friendly counter staff. The advantage for Rideau is its younger, more dedicated-to-fitness membership, and of course - communal showers (for those guys that are into that.)

Ottawa queers should be proud that GoodLife is the only fitness industry business to sponsor the Pride Parade. Knowing which side their bread is buttered on, the gym will apparently have a group fitness demonstration on the main stage at the info-fair after the parade in August. So many gay men work out at their facilities that in private GoodLife management and the powers that be have taken to referring to the Queen Street location as "Queer Street."

While not having an official distinction, it's good to know that Ottawa gay boys have a gym to sort-of call their own.

Male Strippers 101: Montreal vs. Ottawa

Strippers, like most other professions, vary from city to city. Attire, attitude, qualifications, day job, drug of choice... while generally speaking are stereotypical, the stereotype changes depending on locale. Below is our handy guide to spotting the differences between the man-rippers between Montreal and Ottawa.


MONTREAL
Attire of Choice: Ripped Jeans, Designer Trucker Hat, Ginch Gonch Underware, White Belt, Addidas Sneakers
Tattoos: Yes
Piercings: Yes (often nipples, ears, and occasionaly eyebrow)
Day Job: Construction Worker, Personal Trainer, or Fitness Model
Sexuality: Straight, Gay-for-Pay
Body Type: Either muscular, or lean with a six-pack
Favourite Saying: "Dude, that guy's paying me double what you are"


OTTAWA
Attire of Choice: Rented Military Uniforms, Chippendale Cufflinks, Hanes His Way Underware, Old Navy Trucker Hat
Tattoos: Yes
Piercings: Rarely
Day Job: Health Canada Employee, McDonalds Server, or Drug Dealer
Sexuality: Closeted Gay (Performed too many acts to be considered Gay-for-Pay)
Body Type: Juiced-Muscular or Slightly Overweight
Favourite Saying: "Make it $25 and I'll go down on it"

Summer Guilty Pleasure: I Survived A Japanese Game Show

I can't hide it anymore - I have found my new guilty obsession (move over Biggest Loser Couples Edition!) If you haven't given "I Survived a Japanese Game Show" a whirl, it is must see TV for the summer. Where else can you see desperate American twenty-somethings vie it out to win a modest prize pacakge by humiliating themselves by riding tricycles on icy surfaces, or jumping onto velcro boards?

Catch is on Tuesday nights!

Things You Might Have Missed Out On: HOPE Volleyball

Last weekend was the ultimate straight-pride parade for Ottawa... HOPE Beach Volleyball Tournament. But with 17,000 shirtless, tanned hunks walking around looking for attention, the question was raised: 'Where are all the fags?'

There was a serious lack of man-lover action at the ole' Mooney's Bay on Saturday. With no cost, or real excuse (ie/ I'm still hungover from Toronto Pride) to be missed, what gives? Most gay men in any other city would jump at the chance to get drunk on cheap concert-style draft beer and ooogle the goodies. It's also not like the event hadn't been advertised - radio spots etc... had been around for months!

My theory is that gay men avoid HOPE for the same reason they avoid pool parties: too self conscious to take off their shirt in public. This is ridiculous, considering some of the bodies that WERE on display that day. Shame, really - if you start skipping all of life's little pleasures, what's left to enjoy?

Reese's Pieces

Not like he needs it, but Reese Rideout from Randy Blue uses Wii Fit better than anyone I've ever seen! It's like a trainwreck - I can't stop watching! I especially enjoy the little bendovers to grab the extra hula-hoops...

We Was Robbed! CoverGuy Competion Blows Ottawa for Montreal

Season 3 of CoverGuy will be shot in Montreal this season, meaning Ottawa missed the boat again - sigh, just like we did for the Mr. Priape competition (how WERE those Calgary tryouts anyway????).

Not that I really expected the show to host auditions for Mr. HotBuns competition here - for lack of quorum in the candidate pool - but it's all just doubly aggravating knowing that Mathieu Chantelois got his Master's Degree in Journalism from Carleton, and therefore spent SOME time here. I won't hold it against him that he's yaaa close to completing his PhD, thesis on the the history of gay circuit parties (no, seriously...)!

Those who won't adhere to my proposed boycott (just kidding - if boys are shaking their goodies I'm there!) you can check out the Semi Finals July 14-17, and the Finals on July 20 at Club Unity in Montreal.

Make sure you blow Mathieu a kiss so he knows what he missed!

My Apologies!

Ack! It's true, It's true... I abandoned ship when the going got rough and gave up the blog. Very unkind of me. Rest assured I'm back and ready to dish and gossip once again.

To make it up to you, please enjoy this photo of gay-for-pay porn star Johnny Castle - free of charge! ;)

Welcome to Ottawa

Welcome vigilant reader to the wondrous, magical, prosperous, cosmopolitan city of Ottawa! Excuse me while I gag for a slight moment there. Reading beyond the official tourist brochures and city website, Canada's capital is - to me - a wonderful little conservative town that chokes and stifles. To call it provincial really would be a compliment.

Located in eastern Ontario, Canada's Capital is a city of a million people (counting the suburbs) with a very small urban core. It's gay population is quiet and modest - not really going out of its way to do anything, and that's the way they like it, thank you very much.

This is the framework for my blog. An attempt to highlight the things about Ottawa that irk me, while at the same time providing giddy thrills to my avid readers.

Enjoy folks, it's going to be one heck of a ride!